Fixing The Windows

One of the things that really gets to me about being hurt (I had four disks herniated in my neck and back by an injury at work 19 months ago) is that it's emasculating. I know a lot of that is probably in my head, but it really gets to me at times when I wonder how am I going to pay this bill, how am I going to make this repair, how am I going to move this heavy object. Two years ago I'd just do it. My head still hasn't caught up to my body. I'm not sure when the adjustment will finally happen. This morning when I woke up I felt a tickle on my neck. No, it wasn’t my girl. She had already left for work. It was air. There was a little bit seeping in from under the window. It only took a few minutes to caulk my window and my girl’s but it really made a difference and how I felt about myself. Everybody needs to feel useful. Two years ago I’d be up on the roof stringing Christmas lights, moving furniture around to make room for the tree, just being me. Today, I’m still learning to be the new me. And the new me has to be careful, because one wrong move could hurt me. A lot. I spent my entire career working with spinal cord injuries. Now I have one. There’s a twisted karma about that. I’m lucky. VERY lucky. I have a lot. Family, a lot of friends, possessions, a writing career that I’m going to make succeed. Still, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to let go of the days when I could go out and just play football with my kids, wrestle with my dog or tackle my girl. I’m still living, but it’s not the same.